This is an abbreviated version of how a conversation to solicit referrals often goes. If something like this has happened to you, then you’ve probably noticed that it kicks off a destructive cycle of self-talk: “I didn’t get any referrals because I didn’t say the right thing or ask the right way. I’m just no good at this. It makes me uncomfortable. Every time I try, I fail.”

Unfortunately, because you believe you can’t do it, you stop trying and lapse into complacency. The end result is that you miss opportunities to sell more homes and you’re shackled by a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, how do you break the cycle? Quit basing future actions on former experiences. Just because one buyer didn’t want to pass along referrals, that doesn’t mean all your buyers won’t. Some will be happy to recommend you to their friends … if you ask. And therein lies the secret … you must ask. They aren’t likely to volunteer the names.

If you’ve tried and failed to get referrals, do the same thing that you should do anytime you fail to get what you want. Try again … because the best thing about failure is that, the next time you try, you’ll be smarter.

The key issues are not if it’s going to happen, it’s when it’s going to happen.

You have to be able to let go, you have to be able to move on. The comedian Gallagher said, “If you fall on your face you’re still moving forward, and if you fall on your back you are still looking up.” It’s not a matter of the challenge or the setback, it’s a matter of how fast you can recover. Recover quick.

Those sentiments are as true today as they were almost 150 years ago when Lincoln first spoke them.

You can’t put on blinders to failure. Like death and taxes, failing to achieve your expected result is inevitable in the life of every human being. The more important component of failing is the lesson. What do you learn when your efforts fail to deliver the desired results? Do you shrug it off, walk away and chalk it up to another loss? Or do you stop to analyze what went wrong?

Failing at something is not a measure of the person you are, but of the decision you made. Or it simply means you have to make a different effort the next time. Don’t personalize an outcome and use it as a measuring stick of your competence. Failing is an event. Failure is the person who accepts failing as a foregone conclusion.

I have presented many seminars to people who came because they felt defeated. They had allowed unsuccessful efforts to take control of their present and future. The fear of failing again paralyzed them.

People who are in Research and Development for pharmaceuticals deal with one failed effort after another. But they learn from every, single step that went wrong. If they didn’t persevere, we would have no hope of curing diseases and lives would be lost needlessly.

In the new homes sales marketplace, failing to close a deal does not make you failure. Accepting the outcome, however, does.

You’ve heard this platitude many times in your life from a parent, teacher, coach, or friend. But, in the real world, how many times are you measured by your methods and not your results?

Failure is inevitable. No one wants to lose or fail, but it happens. In spite of the countless Baby Boomer parents who drove home self-esteem by pushing the "Everybody Wins" approach, ultimately, everyone succeeds at failing somewhere in their lives.

Look at professional baseball. A good hitter in the major league has a batting average of .300 or higher. That means he hits the ball 30% of the time. But this statistic also means the "slugger" fails to get on base for a whopping 70% of their at-bats. If you couldn’t deliver results on 70% of your attempts, would you be considered a high-powered professional? I doubt it.

While it’s great to drive home the "how you play the game" belief to children, at some point, they will have to accept that, with every winner, there is a loser. Once you grow past adolescence and into your profession, there is a scorecard on you, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. Success is not defined by simply trying. In fact, accepting the "how you play the game" methodology sets you up for failure because you give yourself permission to ignore the outcome.

The most successful home sales professionals I have seen are those who swing for the bleachers every time, putting their full force behind every sales effort with the goal of scoring the big one. Doing anything less than your best out of laziness, fear, or procrastination, is an immediate strike-out.

Look at a flea circus. These tiny insects spend their short lives jumping up and down. That’s all they do! If you want to train a flea, start by putting it in a box with a lid. The flea will keep jumping up and hitting the inside of the lid. After enough tries (and whacks on the head), it learns to lower its leap height so as not to strike the insurmountable obstacle. Then, once this flea has been trained, the cover is removed and the flea will continue to jump only as high as it has become accustomed to leap, in spite of the fact that there are no longer any boundaries.

I see many people who act like a trained flea. They have become conditioned by failures to overcome obstacles so they lower their expectations. With this defeatist mindset, you cannot reach your full potential.

Abraham Lincoln once said, "My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure."

What has restricted your upward momentum? Take a look at the setbacks that have prevented you from achieving the success you desire. Go back and make the effort to overcome them. Jump higher. Use your determination to knock the lid off the box. Be a flea-flicker.

The man, of course, was Abraham Lincoln. He is a testament that success is failure turned inside out. It is critical to understand that, as you attempt greatness, you will risk and encounter failure. However, failure is not your enemy. That’s a byproduct of achievement. Complacency and fear are your true enemies. "My great concern," said Lincoln, "is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure."

In my estimation, the difference between failure and success is perception. Your perception will always be your reality. Therefore, do not perceive failure as anything other than a necessary learning experience that must occur in order to achieve success. George Bernard Shaw put it this way: "When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work."

Consider the failures in the life story of this man:

Failed in business Age 22
Defeated in race for legislature Age 23
Again failed in business Age 24
Elected to legislature Age 25
Sweetheart died Age 26
Had a nervous breakdown Age 27
Defeated for Speaker Age 29
Defeated for Elector Age 31
Defeated for Congress Age 34
Elected to Congress Age 37
Defeated for Congress Age 39
Defeated for Senate Age 46
Defeated for Vice President Age 47
Defeated for Senate Age 49
Elected President of the United States Age 51

The man, of course, was Abraham Lincoln and he is a testament that success is failure turned inside out. It is critical to understand that, as you attempt greatness, you will risk failure. That’s a byproduct of achievement. However, failure is not your enemy. Complacency and fear are. For, you cannot fail if you do not try. But if you do not try, then by default you have already failed. "My great concern," said Lincoln, "is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure."

But do you know the story of Samuel P. Langley? He was a professor of mathematics and astronomy, and a Director of the Smithsonian Institution. Langley was also a scientist and inventor who, in the mid to late 1890′s, actively performed experiments with large unmanned airplane models, gaining notable recognition for his accomplishments.

Because he was at the forefront of aviation, the U.S. War Department gave him $50,000 (an astronomical amount of money for that time) and commissioned him to design and build an airplane that would send mankind skyward.

By 1901, he had successfully tested and created history’s first heavier-than-air aircraft. Then, on October 8, 1903, on a modified houseboat in front of journalists and spectators, Langley (with the aid of pilot Charles Manley) attempted to fly his plane, The Great Aerodrome.

When the launch was attempted, however, the biplane was flung into sixteen feet of water only 50 feet from the boat. Criticism from skeptics and cynics was brutal as evidenced by this report in the New York Times:

" The ridiculous fiasco, which attended the attempt at aerial navigation in the Langley flying machine, was not unexpected. No doubt the problem has its attractions for those it interests, but to ordinary men, it would seem as if the effort might be employed more profitably."

At first, Langley remained undaunted. Eight weeks later in early December he and his pilot again prepared to make history with their second flight. Yet, once again, disaster struck and this time the pilot nearly died.

As before the cynics and skeptics fiercely attacked the Great Aerodrome, calling it "Langley’s Folley," and accused him of wasting government funds.

Langley succumbed to his critics and abandoned his project with the heavy-hearted speech, "I have brought to close the portion of work which seemed to be specifically mine — the demonstration of the practicality of mechanical flight. For the next stage, which is the commercial and practical development of the idea, it is probable that the world may look to others."

Instead of throwing his hat in the ring, Langley threw in the towel. He abandoned his pursuit of flight and walked away from his decade-long pursuit. Only a few days later, Orville and Wilber Wright — uneducated, unknown and unfunded — flew their aircraft from the sand dunes of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

Let me offer my perspective of Langley and the Wright Brothers because what happened to them is what occurs in the lives of many people today. Too many allow failure and setbacks to get the best of them, while a few accept life’s challenges as lessons and allow their setbacks to propel them toward the achievement of their goals.

In retrospect, it would seem that Samuel Langley had an almost unfair advantage over the Wright Brothers; money, education, reputation and supporters. Yet, I suggest it was the Wright Brothers who had the unfair advantage over Langley.

Samuel Langley had more than his share of cynics and skeptics surrounding his project. As painful as failure can be, it’s magnified when others add their ridicule. This would cause him, and anyone else, to emotionalize and personalize their shortcomings. For many, the pain of failure leads to the fear of failure.

Because the Wright Brothers were unknown, they had no cynics or skeptics to criticize their work. The advantage they had over Langley was that, when they experienced setbacks, their thoughts were not on personalized failure but on focusing on the lessons of their failures.

Therefore, the first and most important step in overcoming failure (setbacks, obstacles and challenges) is to understand that failure is an event and not a person. It is something that happens to you that can be demoralizing as well as educational, but it is not YOU. To put it simply, failing to achieve does not make you a failure.

If you really want to accomplish your dreams, you must get into the marketplace, take calculated risks and be willing to experience failure. Soccer player Kyle Rote Jr. noted, "There are many ways to win, but only one way to lose and that is to fail and not look beyond the failure."